Nothing in life will ever prepare you for becoming a mother. Not the endless parenting books. Not the endless online forums and websites. Not the endless advice from your family and friends who have “been there, done that.”
You become someone new.
I wasn’t prepared.
It’s been 14 months since the birth of our precious baby girl, Demi and also 14 months since I’ve posted on this here blog. You can call it a long maternity leave or you can also call it me trying to get my ‘ish together x1000. I struggled. I struggled to sleep even when I had the time to, struggled to take a shower, brush my teeth, twist my hair (team natural knows what’s up!), struggled to cook three meals a day and eat them, struggled to clean and tackle numerous loads of laundry, struggled to consistently be affectionate with my husband, struggled to get dressed everyday because “nothing still doesn’t fit”. Most importantly, I struggled with myself, internally.
I became lonely and sad. I felt all alone even though my house was filled with the two people I love the most. I felt like a cow, just big and full of milk. I was also filled with self-doubt. I feared that I would never be the old me again. That free spirited girl, full of fun and always wearing a smile. That woman with independence that could just get up and go, buy the shoes whenever she wanted and eat at the restaurants that I please. I felt as if everyone was in their season except for me. I would scroll through Instagram and see people just tackling goals after goals, starting new businesses, taking off in their career, losing weight. I thought to myself, “when will my turn come?”
I not only just became a mom but I became a mom that’s still technically a newlywed, a mom that just moved across the world away from her family and friends and a mom that no longer works outside of the household. So many things happened so quickly and I was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed and trying to do it all. Trying to do it all but loathing in my darkness not realizing that this IS my turn.
This IS where I’m meant to be. This IS my blessing. This IS my season!
I was hard on myself when I didn’t need to be and when I could finally admit that I became so FREE.
Have you ever had to sit down with one of your best friends and just say “girl, you doing tew much.”? Yeah. That was me to me. LOL.
It’s always been in my nature to try to fix things on my own. I always felt that no one wants to continually listen to a complainer or a whiner. That no one can fix myself but me. But it wasn’t true. I have friends, a husband and family that love me and want me to be the best I can be. I have God in my heart who loves me endlessly and is with me every step of the way during this journey.
God has and continues to always give me the ability to overcome. And with time that’s what I did.
Yeah, my hormones may still be wonky and me choosing to breastfeed after one year be may crazy to some. I may not be able to get as much retail therapy in as I want or take trips whenever I please but I have everything I need. I can multi-task like a maniac.
I mean Mickey Mouse Clubhouse does serve as a faithful distraction but we won’t talk about that because experts say too much TV time is bad. My body can do amazing things and is well loved despite my ability to get rid of those extra pounds hanging around. I am still filled with creativity and style. And I still have glitter running through my veins but now with a little bit more to throw.
I am me but with so much more love, wisdom and courage.
Don’t forget that you are too.